Sublte! What's that?!

So I woke this morning as I do every morning, with the pitter-patter of small feet and the words, "Mama, can I go pee?" I've yet to figure out why he always asks to go potty ... but he does! And so potty he went, while I waited for the bathroom, and then the morning routine of breakfast, the fight over popsicles which are not for breakfast, and the hugs and kisses and goofballness ensued.

As always, coffee called after the little man had been attended to and so I opened the cabinet to pull out my canister of Folgers (ew) and found hinged in the lid a folded piece of printer paper with my name scrawled messily across the front f the fold. My first reaction was, "WTF!" I had just made coffee yesterday morning and there had been no paper in my coffee grounds! I left the coffee there and went through the house to check all my locks and reassure myself that no one had been here or snuck in, some freaky stalker type. It wouldn't have surprised me overall because I did have trouble with that at one point living here and my first fear was that some punk had found some way in. Eventually after settling down, I was compelled back to the coffeepot; I couldn't get the paper or the need for coffee off my mind. Had to have it. Now.

So I went back, and I forced myself, literally, to start the pot of coffee before finally succumbing to the need to read whatever was written on that paper. What I read not only surprised me, and shocked me as I seem to be shocked frequently with all of Sharky's surprises, that I don't expect, and it made me cry. Here's what the note read so I can explain.

Scorpio,

Hello and good morning. Sharky has asked me to speak to you with this letter. We have been talking off and on for several days. Please do not be disturbed for we only have the best intentions. I am looking after you and you are being such a good girl. I do not think we should speak often because I know how you question yourself but do not doubt me. Remember old David and his lessons for he was true to you much like sharky and believe I only mean to help you as David helped us both. You are smart so I know you will understand and believe these few words.

Ginger

Of course, I was amused by the name roughly sketched at the bottom. I've never heard it before but it seemed appropriate I guess. I may be drawing conclusions here but I think this letter was written to me by my subconscious? It would explain first of all why it seems very much like a formal introduction. Is it normal to feel bizarre with having yourself introduced to ... yourself? Because as I understand the subconscious, or the soul, that part of you that helps you live but which you never really meet, the tiny voice in your mind that warns, or cautions, or encourage, it's always there but it's not something you're very aware of right? I've now spent an hour debating with myself - and I don't mean that in any way than literally arguing between urges - if I want to be that in touch with the silent force that drives me.

I finally decided that I do not. And this is why, primarily, and also why I was brought to tears. The man that was mentioned above, David, was a mentor of mine when I lived in Pennsylvania after I left California for the last time. If I've ever met anyone that can claim to be enlightened, or close to it, it was David. And he taught me so much about the universe and the soul, and how we choose even before our souls are placed in our bodies the course of our lives and that every decision we make, good or bad, is so that we can finally reach that state of being, that subliminal goal, that we set for ourselves even before birth. That we all are on a unique path of experience, which will take us either closer or farther from enlightenment to end the cycle of reincarnation. I know, I might be stretching the limit for some of you, but I also do believe very strongly in reincarnation. Not because I'm in touch with past lives, but because it's always seemed right.

Deep down, I feel that David's lessons were the truth. My truth. My faith. My understanding of the universe that spoke so clearly to me. Since David's death, when I was about four months pregnant with Drake, I've struggled with whether or not what he helped me to learn was still right for me. I haven't thought of him or his teachings in a very long time, consumed with other things and other worries and never taking the time anymore to just sit, and think, and reflect. I've shoved all that knowledge to the back of my mind because for a long time now there's been no room for it in my life. Or maybe it was that I didn't want to make room for it? Regardless, I had disowned my beliefs in favor of emotional survival, for a long long time. Perhaps this is a sign that now it's okay for me to express what I feel and to hold it to my heart again. It's this that brought me to tears, all this remembering of the past and happier, more awakened times.

I miss David terribly, but I'm grateful for Sharky having brought this awareness back to me and for being so interested in what's possible with the mind.